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Thriving in Homemaking with Teresa Lusk founder of Homemaker CEO, Motivational Speaker, and author of Good Enough to be a Homemaker and CEO.

A Sinking Ship without Love and Respect

“He does not make me feel loved,” and, “She is disrespectful and a nag,” are common complaints I hear often. Interestingly, these two things all spouses desire from each other, love and respect, are the exact two commands given to us in God’s Word. A man is to love his wife and a woman is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:25 ). With these key components missing, there’s no need to ask why marriages are falling apart. We should ask why we can not overcome the repetitive failure in delivering to one another.

The answer is two-fold; our hearts get hardened (Mark 10:15) followed by lack of knowledge to what each of those commands mean. We believe we understand what love and respect are but many marriages do not recognize that they fail at giving love and respect in their day-to-day doings and communication. This leads to a sinking ship.

No ship is beyond rescuing, however, because if the Lord offers grace to us, we can offer it to our spouses. You and I are told to forgive as we are forgiven (Luke 6:37). Without compromise and giving from both sides we can not expect change and restoration. If only one spouse is willing to break the cycle of miscommunication and ugliness, then it is a good place to start.

From personal experience, I testify that there have been times when I have been less than kind in my response to my husband because of my annoyance at him. Yet, when his response to my attitude was a loving one, I softened my own heart then became humble and regretful instantly. Proverbs 15:1 states that a kind word turns away wrath but a grievous word stirs up anger.

Let’s begin working. What does the love a wife needs look like? Love is expressed differently including verbally acknowledging that the wife is pretty, desirable, and smart. The more a woman is cared for, the more she will give back because she feels good about herself.

Helping around the home is always a sign that the man cares. Some couples have assigned responsibilities and the man may say, “She stays at home; I work outside of the home, she needs to take care of this.” This may be true, but love can be expressed by the sacrifice that the husband offers unconditionally. At times both spouses work and his willingness to split the house work speaks volume.

Very importantly, find out what makes her feel special. Not all people have the same love language as Gary Chapman states in the Five Love Languages. Some women feel more loved receiving gifts, or, when the husband shares public display of affection, or when he compliments her in public. However, a husband should not assume what makes her feel loved because most of us will express our love to one another how we would like to receive it, not how the spouse needs to receive it.

A woman needs more than a wink to become available to her husband for intimacy. Loving a wife is expressed in the way her husband considers how she is wired. This means preparing her for intimacy does not begin the day the man anticipates oneness. Wives do not like feeling used and unloved by the lack of attention she gets before love-making. For best results, ask her how, when, where, and how long.

A childhood friend of mine mentioned, “My husband helps around the house with chores I don’t need help with. I could use help outside mowing the lawn and killing ant piles.” She should have used her words to communicate that, also; it would have been more affective if he asked what she needed from him. In summary, asking what the spouse really needs could solve many problems. If every time you want to communicate, things get heated, invite an objective mediator who understands God’s Word regarding love and respect, and doesn’t not favor one or another.

As for the famous “nagging” charge against wives, meaning, when she repeats herself, she does not feel heard. Eye contact followed by words of acknowledgement cause her to feel understood and reassured that the husband cares about her concerns and feelings. More times than not, the issue at hand will be put to rest.

I asked a couple before they divorced two years ago what they fought about. I expected to hear it was addictions, even adultery. Sadly, it was an accumulation of anger and frustration over communications between the two, but they made him feel less than the leader of the home.

Often, she directed him to get breakfast for the kids, proceeded to tell him what to feed them, including the types of foods, drinks, and well ladies, you know where I am going. Men feel respected when we ask if they can handle something for us, rather than instruct him. “Honey would you pick up some milk on the way home?” works much better than, “I need you to pick up milk after work.” Yes, they do mean the same thing, but to a man, it means two different things. One is a request, the other a command. Wives with strong leadership abilities express these tendencies more but like a counselor once said, “God gave you a leadership ability to use outside of the home and needs to be turned down when dealing with your husband.”

Another husband would often remind his wife that she made more money than him and he seemed to resent her. Most of us would probably think he needed to overcome that insecurity but it was deeper. He interpreted this message by her prior comments on being able to do well enough alone. He didn’t feel valued, respected, or needed.
Men are emotional beings too and need to know they are valued but in different areas than women. They are wired to desire hard work and be proud of their accomplishments. Remind them what a great job they do at providing. If both spouses work you can still remind him of his great efforts such as his handiness around the home, caring for the lawn, they way he loves on his children, and his attention in satisfying you.

Sex is emotional for men, not just physical. They express themselves physically and they desire to connect with their wives. It is healthy for wives to understand the needs of their husbands as a God-given desire and not just some random act to pass time with. Couples should honor one another with their bodies.

Now that each spouse has been given a glimpse of love and respect, why not start fresh making it your “New Year’s Resolution” to shape your marriage up and avoid the sinking ship?

Teresa G. Lusk is the author of Good Enough to be a Homemaker and CEO, a motivational speaker, and has a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, Religion, and Christian Counseling. www.homemakerceo.com

I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream

“Shut the door!”, “Give her back her toy!”, “I told you to stop playing and to sit down!” These are all common screams our children often receive from their parents; yes, even Christian parents.

Fact is, there is a universal plague of screaming abilities parents often have but it is defective. God didn’t intend for us to yell at our children every time they annoy us with their whining or lack of obedience. Yet a large percentage of parents do this daily and even several times a day.

So many parents suffer from guilt and shame that they so easily loose control. Recently a mother reported that she felt like horrible parents because she yells at her girls and other mom’s, specifically Christian’s do not. It was a delight to enlighten her! Another reported she enjoyed the relief it provided for her.

Either of these responses can become unhealthy. Is it best that we not yell at our kids? Of course! And keeping control of our own emotions enables them to learn the ropes for dealing with those who will push their buttons too. Obviously, self-control is really put to the test in our character when dealing with screaming but it is something we can learn to deal with.

For one, talk to your spouse or someone who is around you most of the time about your desire to stop screaming. Let them know it is not a response you are proud of and are willing to take steps to stop that behavior.

Thought it may not be easy, ask your spouse or support partner to give you a signal reminding you of your new commitment when you are in the middle of a screaming moment. No, you may not take it personal if they have to do it often. When you really want to stop a behavior, accountability is a must.

Commit to yourself that you will stop right in the middle of a sentence if you realize you are screaming and step away from the room or situation. Self-control is often accomplished by our own will, desire, and determination to cease taking part in unhealthy choices.

Fourthly, apologize to your kids if they are old enough to understand it. Inform them that you do not like yelling at them and would like to stop even though it is hard.

Finally, ask the Lord to give you the strength and grace to accomplish this which pleases Him. If you fail, it is OK, start over. Once you feel you have done all you can do to control this and it has not ceased, seek counseling.

Teresa G. Lusk is the author of Good Enough to be a Homemaker and CEO, a Motivational Speaker and founder of the non-profit organization, Homemaker CEO. Teresa has a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, Religion, and Christian Counseling. www.teresalusk.com or www.homemakerceo.com

My husband and I did not grow up in a Christian home; therefore, since we came to the Lord in 2003, we have made it a point to raise our children with God’s Word. Literally, this is part of our daily nutritional value and daily bread.

What this has looked like for years now is providing our children a foundation that says nothing can be done successfully without taking God’s Word into our life every single day. It is not just a Sunday meal.

Will our oldest child practice this as he gets older? What about the younger ones? We will leave that in God’s hands and be encouraged in His word as I heard Pastor Charles Stanley remind us that if we pray for something, and it is within the will of God, so it shall be done (1 John 5:14-15). I know for a fact, that God wants my children and yours to have everlasting life (John 3:16). Therefore, I believe that they too will learn and walk in the responsibility to take a portion of the Word of God into their life every day.

Now, what is an appropriate age to start teaching my children the Word of God, and what stories are best to share with them, you might ask? Well, this past December 2009, we decided to purchase a Tyndale, One Year Bible for our six year old daughter. Sure there was some hesitation about the level, time it would take to read, and the content. After all, the Old Testament does have some violence, incest, drinking, and much more. Yet, that was not enough to keep us from wanting her to explore the greatness of God’s Word. And while we did run into to words and phrases such as “slept together”, and “sex”, my husband in his God given wisdom, replied to my daughter’s question of “ what is sex?” as “it is like kissing but a little more”. Believe it or not, she did not push for more. Why? Most likely because her mind and knowledge of that topic is not developed enough.

God’s Word does have some mature related content, yet that is not enough for us as parents to keep them from digging into the great historical and Biblical messages God has your child. If your child, like ours, has surpassed the toddler stage stories and often visited ones like “David and Goliath”, and you believe your child is ready for more, then dig in, and give them what God has put in their heart to desire, His Word.

Use your wisdom when running into questions that demand simple answers but don’t deprive their right to begin walking in the knowledge of God’s power.

Teresa G. Lusk, is the author of Good Enough to be a Homemaker and CEO, a motivational speaker, and founder of the non-profit organization, Homemaker CEO. Teresa has a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, Religion, and Christian Counseling. www.teresalusk.com or www.homemakerceo.com.